When Things Catch You Off Guard

Since Boomer went to live with Jesus, we have heard over and over again that the pain gets easier and easier to deal with over time. I guess that’s why it totally caught me off guard when I broke down last week and sobbed like Ashby does when she doesn’t get something that she wants. As I sat on the couch in Josh’s arms, I realized that I’m just like Ashby. There’s something I want more than anything and I can’t have it! Last year was a little easier than the year before so I just assumed this year would be a little easier than last year, but I was wrong. This year feels just like the first and I was not prepared for that. As I sit here spilling my heart out, I am looking at our stockings hung on the mantel. Yes, we still have Boomer’s stocking right there along with ours! As I think of all the things I won’t get to see him do this Christmas season, or the presents that I won’t get to buy, I start to have a pity party for myself. As I sat in choir practice last Saturday and balled because I won’t ever get to see him get up with all the rest of the kids and sing in a musical, I started having a pity party for myself. As I see all the shoppers out buying presents and looking happy because they are buying for all of their kids, I start to throw a pity party for myself. But as I think of what it might be like to see Boomer as he is now, in heaven with Jesus, I remember that all of the pain that I’m feeling right now is not forgotten. God knows exactly how I feel and he is holding me tight in his arms.

I read a book recently about a family that went through something similar to what we have gone through and it was very hard for me to read. One of the biggest differences in our stories was that they have a substantial amount of money and everyone knows that I stay home and Josh is a youth minister, so they were able to go on trips and leave work for long periods of time without worrying about money and they could take all of their loved ones to counselors and get them all the help they needed. As the story unfolded, I realized they had all these luxuries that our family didn’t have, I wish we could have paid for everyone that was at our house that day to go to a counselor to help them make it through what they saw, and I wish that we could have gone thousands of miles away from here for a long time. Then I also realized that God’s grace is sufficient and he provides for all of his children in ways that we could never imagine. Although the people in the book that I read did have many more opportunities than we did because of their financial status, we still have everything that we have ever needed. God is so much bigger than having money and friends in high places! He is a God of love and grace and peace. That’s why I know that even though my life is so small, God is so big and he will take care of even me.